Dear Men — These 8 Statements Are Offensive, Whether You Mean It or Not

Please stop telling me how I should feel.

14 min readNov 22, 2020

Dear Men —

We all have our own individual challenges. Life can be tough for everyone.

Unfortunately, for some reason women still have the specific challenge of warding off unwanted attention, judgment, and pointed remarks from people who expect us to bend ourselves to their “humble” opinions.

And before you go #notallmen me, yes, I know. I really shouldn’t have to say that, but some of you get defensive right off the bat. So for the record, I am of course aware that some of you do your best not to be sexist and patronizing.

But, if you fall into one of the categories below, take a step back and examine your behavior. Whether you intend to be misogynistic or not, these are things women encounter extremely frequently. It’s not fun, it’s not helpful, and most of the time it ranges from insulting to downright threatening.

You don’t realize how often women have to defend themselves, every day, from people who believe we owe them something.

But here’s the thing — we don’t. Just because we exist as women doesn’t mean we owe you anything. We’re humans too, just trying to live our lives without interference.

So please, whether you intend it to be offensive or simply don’t realize — I’m asking you to stop it.

1. To the man who tells me to smile:

This tells me that you believe I exist only to be visually appealing to you.

My face is my own. My expressions are mine to choose, and the fact that you don’t find me attractive enough because I’m not smiling, is of no consequence to me.

In that moment, there’s very little chance I care that you think “I’d be prettier if I smiled”.

Maybe I’m sad, or angry, or discouraged, or nervous — or maybe I’m simply frustrated that yet another man is telling me what I should do with my own face. Either way, it’s none of your concern.

2. To the man who calls me a prude or a bitch because I don’t want to sleep with him:

Paying for my dinner is not a golden ticket to get into bed with me. I never agreed to anything, and I always, always have the right to change my mind.

I also have the right to say no without having to justify myself.

I don’t owe you an explanation. In fact, you demanding one is just proof that I was right in not feeling comfortable enough to sleep with you.

You calling me a prude when I refused to go home with you is proof that you are a misogynist who believes sex is owed to you.

You calling me a bitch is proof that your ego can’t handle rejection. But rejection is a part of life — man or woman, we all have to deal with it. Maybe as you get more of it, you might finally understand that you are not entitled to nearly as much as you think you are.

When it comes to women and their bodies, you are entitled to absolutely f*cking nothing.

Calling me names simply reinforces that fact.

3. To the man who tells me I’m “too much”:

Too much what? Too much of a person?

When you feel the urge to say that, take a look in the mirror and understand that the reason you’re telling me I’m “too much” is probably because you are so used to taking up all the space.

If I have the audacity to be outspoken and passionate, you’re shocked because you are accustomed to having more of a voice than those around you.

Do you expect women to be quiet, kind, agreeable, and appropriate? I don’t necessarily blame you for having that thought — we were taught practically from birth to act that way. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t grow up and learn to be ourselves.

We have voices; we think, we grow, we learn, we care.

I have as much right to use my voice and have strong opinions as you do. If I disagree with you or am passionate about something, I’m going to speak up.

I’m not an angry woman; I’m a woman who won’t stay silent just to appease you.

So please, don’t tell me I’m “too much” before taking a good hard look at yourself.

4. To the man who comments on my clothes:

“Wow, I can see a lot of skin with that shirt.”
“Hmm, looks like skirts are just getting shorter and shorter these days.”
“I would never, ever let my daughter dress like that.”
“I like when you wear that shirt. You should wear it more often, it accentuates your curves.”
“Huh, I guess there’s no dress code for the grocery store these days.”
“Maybe you should wear things that are more feminine. You look like a lesbian in that.”

All comments from men — some I knew, some were literally strangers. All are offensive, on multiple levels.

And before you complain about enjoying “complimenting” women — let me point out that these are all very different than compliments.

“Wow, you look really nice today,” is a compliment. “Maybe you should try dressing more feminine,” is definitely not.

You don’t like the crop top she’s wearing, or think her skirt is too short, or noticed she might not be wearing a bra? Not your concern. She’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions, and definitely doesn’t need or want you to weigh in.

I don’t tell random men out there what to wear. I don’t make pointed remarks about you not dressing masculine enough or wearing things that accentuate your bulges.

And I don’t dress to impress you, or owe it to you to dress in a way that you specifically find more attractive — especially if I don’t know you well.

So, kindly stay out of my wardrobe.

Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash

5. To the man who thinks I’m ungrateful for not thanking him for being a nice guy:

Excuse me sir, your ego is showing. No woman owes you a thank-you for being decent — that should be the minimum.

Being upset about me not stroking your ego just means you are likely as entitled as the rest — you just go about it in a “nicer” way.

And I sure as hell don’t have to bow down to you for that.

Paying for my dinner warrants a thank-you, and so does giving me a ride somewhere, holding the door open, or giving me a hand with something. Of course I’m thankful when you do those things. But there’s a difference between that and you wanting me to thank you for not being a jerk.

So you’re expecting me to be grateful for you managing to be “one of the good ones”?

I hope you can eventually realize how ridiculous you sound.

6. To the man who says he can’t be sexist, and justifies himself as being a “good guy” simply because he has a wife, sisters, or daughters:

Having women you care about in your life doesn’t automatically make you a nice guy. Being a nice guy makes you a nice guy. You can 100% still be sexist and a misogynist while having a family.

Actions speak louder than words. And words spoken behind your wife, sister, and daughters’ backs still count.

So if you’re making sexist jokes and cussing out other women for being loud and having opinions, it doesn’t matter how many sisters or daughters you have. You’re proving yourself to be a jerk, and having a family doesn’t give you an automatic “good guy” pass.

Stop trying to use that as a ‘get out of jail free’ card and try actually being respectful and owning up to your actions.

Then maybe you’ll be a real “good guy”.

7. To the man who tells me “it was just a joke”:

Usually, it’s not just a joke.

Usually, what happens is you said what you meant, but tried to laugh it off because you realized too late I’m not down with your sexist humor.

And your response is to tell me I’m overreacting — but that’s the whole problem. I’m not. I’m simply not going to encourage you to let your misogynistic remarks and “jokes” rip.

You think you’re the first man to tell me it’s “just a joke”? You’re not. Women deal with this all the time, and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve just let it slide.

But really, enough is enough. You’re not funny — you’re patronizing, entitled, and disrespectful, so stop thinking I should “just lighten up” and consider how frustrating it would be in my position.

8. To the man who defends other men without even acknowledging that there is a problem:

You are, in fact, part of the problem. We know it’s #notallmen. Using that as an excuse tells me you’re clearly missing the point.

I have many men in my life whom I love and respect. I’m grateful for all of them. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of others who still believe they are superior, believe women don’t deserve equal rights and opportunities, and believe we should just “stay in our lane”.

Even if they don’t outright say it, many men speak and act in a way that still treats women as less-than. Things like telling me to smile, telling me what I should or shouldn’t wear, how I should speak, and how I should feel about something — those are all ways of telling me I’m not good enough to make my own decisions.

When is the last time someone told you to smile? To stop overreacting? To tone it down? To be more agreeable? To make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex?

If you’re trying to tell me that it’s #notallmen, you’re not looking at the bigger picture, and you’re unable to see past your own ego.

So please just stop.

Whether you intend it or not, statements and actions like these are making women’s lives more difficult and frustrating on a daily basis.

When you don’t believe us about trauma, we become just another statistic who might never find justice or healing.

When you project your own narrow views and don’t listen, you become just another person who is a brick in the wall of the patriarchy.

When you tell us there’s nothing wrong, you’re belittling the struggles that we constantly face.

When you tell us to tone it down, relax, do this, don’t do that, be happy with what we have, look how far we’ve come — you make it harder for us to be open about our experiences. You become just another person we can’t confide in, because you prove again and again that you don’t get it. And perhaps never will.

So for all our sakes, consider that next time you feel the need to impose your opinion and unsolicited advice on the women around you. Ask yourself if that’s really something you should say, and if someone would tell you the same thing. And how you would feel if they did.

Women don’t need to be told what to do, how to dress, how to act, and how to feel. We owe men nothing. We’re adults, we’re human beings, and we’re just trying to live our own lives. So it’d be great if you would let us do that.

Sincerely,

A woman who just wants to be left alone.

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